Yesterday I painted my toenails. That’s a really big deal, since I hardly ever sit still, because The Baby Nickel is unable to sit still, long enough to get them painted. It’s a butch job, but that’s okay—they’re red.

I treated my face to an Aztec Mud Mask. A chunk of it fell off my chin and landed in the frosting that I was making. Fortunately, the beaters were not whirring, so I just quickly lifted it out. Shh. Don’t tell. (Calm down! It was just mud!)

My Girlfriend Sheri altered a gown for me (my ribs expanded, okay?). The gown is dark blue and has long, gauzy thingies that flow down behind my back. It reminds me of a gown that Hamlet’s mother might have worn. I call it my Shakespeare dress.

I got the gown dry-cleaned (it still had splotches of food on the front of it—food from a meal that took place 11 years and 11 months ago) for 14 dollars and 83 cents.

Mr. Handsome picked up a tux. He still needs to find black socks.

I borrowed shoes from my Girlfriend Annmarie. Gold sandals with rhinestones all along the top strap.

A couple days later I went back to my Girlfriend Annmarie’s house and ransacked her jewelry selection. (I no longer call her my girlfriend—I now refer to her as my fashion consultant—do you have one of those?) I came away with a gorgeous old-fashioned necklace (I want to steal it, but I will not), a gold bracelet, and a pair of screw-on earrings (why do they remind me of a torture device?). I gave her a loaf of fresh bread which her little boy promptly kissed and sucked on (my kid’s not the only one!!!).

At this very moment my parents are enroute to our house. They will be taking care of the children for us.

There will be a limousine parked out in front of the church.

By now, you’re probably bouncing around in your chair wondering whatever could be the reason for such extensive preparations?

Church. That’s all. We’re just going to church this morning, like we do (most) every Sunday.

Can you guess what the sermon is on? Here’s a hint: It’s a parable.

Bye, now. I gotta go shave my legs, wash and blow-dry my hair, put on make-up, and slip into my finery.

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