On one of those blistering hot days a couple weeks ago, one of my girlfriends and I were in belly-deep water in a backyard pool, sipping spiced cranberry mead and bobbing on floaties. “So I’ve been thinking about the meaning of life,” I said. “Do you know what it is?”
“I’ve been asking that very same question!” she said, smacking the water.
“Well, do you have an answer?” I said.
“No, I was hoping you would!”
For the first (almost) fifty years of my life, my purpose has been mostly predetermined. As a child, teen, and young adult, my purpose was to grow up, get educated, and gain my own freedom. And then for the last twenty-plus years, my family — building it and then tending it — was what gave me purpose.
But now I can do whatever I want and so I’m asking, What’s it all about? What do I reach for? How will I know they are the right things? How do I check myself? It’s not the specific choice that matters as much as the underlying motivation, so I’ve run through a list of all the things that, at first glance, appear to motivate me.
Here’s what I think the answer to life’s meaning is NOT.
It’s not fame or popularity. Whenever one of my little YouTube videos does extra well, or I get a bunch of comments on a blog post, or I get a flurry of compliments, I feel like I’m lifted, speeding along on a lovely little wave. But then the wave breaks and I’m deposited (rather indecorously, I might add) on the beach and, welp, ride’s over and that’s that. The truth is, all that good will doesn’t give me meaning. Which actually, now that I think about it, is a good thing, because the same goes for the bad will, whew! My meaning and drive and purpose needs to be internal if I’m gonna stay grounded.
It’s not money. I’ve never been driven to make money but I have toyed with the idea of devoting myself to the pursuit of it, and while it’s be an interesting diversion, I’m sure, I also know that no matter how much I’d make, it’d never be enough.
It’s not relaxation. I love my down time with the fiercest of passions (when I’m not chilling on the couch, I’m looking forward to chilling on the couch), but give me more than a couple hours of popcorn and Netflix and I begin to die inside.
It’s not freedom, simply because people who lack freedom, however you might choose to define it, are still able to have deeply meaningful lives.
For awhile I thought that maybe relationships were the answer, as in life is meaningful only in as much as we find connection with others. Or maybe it was generosity, not so much the act of giving but being invested in something beyond one’s own perspective? But no, relationships are constantly breaking, and generosity can be a selfish and draining act.
Here’s something else I’ve been thinking: If I were to die tomorrow, my death would upset a bunch of people, yes, but it would only disrail a handful of lives. And then, just a couple generations later, my very own descendents will probably not even remember my name. This is kinda depressing, of course, because I am the world (to me), but it’s also kinda grounding, or at least clarifying. My existence really doesn’t matter all that much.
So then, I ask you (myself), what’s it all for?
At long last, I’ve finally settled on the truest, simplest thing I can think of. See, I’ve noticed that the more I value what is, the less frenetic I feel. When I stop chasing projects, people, deadlines, to-do lists, and obligations and instead simply focus on appreciating the little things around me — my bare feet on the cool, leaf-strewn concrete porch, the laser focus required to get these thoughts into a Google Doc, the messily abundant pantry shelves, the bodies of my children obstructing my way around the kitchen — suddenly, it is enough. There is enough. Life is enough.
Appreciating what is has two benefits. First, it removes the pressure to achieve — boots me right out of the ratrace hamster wheel, it does — and second, it gets me outside my feelings because there’s no need to like something in order to be grateful for it.
Example: I don’t like running. It’s hard work, I can’t breathe, my thighs ache, my hair sticks to my sweaty skin, my body wants to stop. And yet, I can run! My body is strong! The air is fresh! The views are stunning! My heart beats! I am alive!
Example: I don’t like a messy kitchen. Stuff’s in the way. I run out of space. Cleaning up takes time. And yet, I can cook! I have instant running water! Look at all my tools! I can make whatever I want! We have food! I have a freaking KITCHEN!
The shift is subtle but the impact is huge.
So regarding the meaning of life, this is where I’ve ended up: gratitude. It’s so simple, it sounds stupid, but I’ve yet to land on a better, truer answer.
What’s yours?
***
This same time, years previous: nine fun things, with the cool kids, yogurt: the water bath method, on putting up a BLM sign, a fantastic week, fried, in the kitchen, the quotidian (8.1.16), my deficiency, a pie story, babies, boobs, boo-boos, and bye-byes.
17 Comments
Kristy
So good…I’m 51 and starting to think about the chapters ahead ALOT! I love learning about different religions…any recommended place to start on Mennonite beliefs?
Jennifer Jo
Check out Third Way: https://thirdwaycafe.com/
Lindsay
This is such a great prompt.
As someone who grew up in the church but has since “lost” her faith (the only thing I feel like I lost was quite a lot of cognitive dissonance) not having a built in “meaning of life” has been really freeing. Not in the sense that it doesn’t matter, but insofar as I don’t feel shoved into a narrow definition of meaning created by mostly old white guys long before I had a life to make meaningful. If anything, atheism has made considering meaning and values more intentional because I can’t just default to the ones the religious system is so willing to provide.
All that to say, for me, I think the meaning of life is to leave this place better than we found it. We may be remembered by history, or just a generation or two. We may make a huge impact or a relatively small one. Whatever our capacities and sphere(s) of influence may be, whatever our interests and talents are, whatever season of life we are in the midst of, we can choose do the work to leave this place better than we found it.
DB Stewart
Your post and the comments are fascinating.
The meaning of life is to create. Your blog is a terrific example of many sorts of creation. You are a creative as evidenced in your daily work, but also in what you’ve done with this post. #insertfistbumphere
Melissa
The meaning of life is to glorify Jesus in all we do!
Camille
100% this is True.
Marie Joiner
I’m a second generation areligious person raising a third generation of (currently) areligious kiddos. When my young kids ask me about churches or mosques or praying or anything religious, my stumbling answers always seem to end up at appreciation or giving thanks or gratitude. So, somehow religion and gratitude and the meaning of life are all neighbors in my head.
Becky R.
The way to contentment is certainly to want what you have, but I am not sure that is the meaning of life. Appreciating what you have doesn’t translate to purpose for me, and purpose seems to be the meaning of life for me. My husband died 5 months ago, and I was his caregiver for several years, and I have lost my purpose, so I don’t have any meaning, just the search for meaning during this very important transition. I am trying to remember that this is an opportunity for growth. Not saying any of this for sympathy, everyone suffers this kind of loss if they are lucky to live long enough. Maybe my current purpose is to figure out what my purpose will be going forward, and to just enjoy being alive.
bradtstacy
Its so funny, my husband and I were just talking about this subject a couple of weeks ago. We are the same age 52/58 as you guys, empty nesters for over a year now. As well, I listen to a lot of Dave Ramsey and other similar podcasts, where the subject is often discussed. In this stage (after kids, before “retirement”) making the most of our uninterupted working/saving years, we find ourselves just really appreciating the mundane. Long morning coffee time on the couch, exercising, cooking meals together, the simplest every day stuff. But at the same time, Im a planner, I ALWAYS have goals I’m working on. ALWAYS trying to improve on something, learn something, create something. The majority of people cant wait to retire and relax. The idea of that freaks me out a little. I cant envision myself retiring, ever. And I dont think we should. I think a big part of the meaning of life, beyond childhood is adding value to the world in some way. Helping to make the world operate and serving others (no matter how mundane), to me, is an important meaning in life. That and always having personal goals. As long as I can do that, I feel my life has meaning.
Jennifer Jo
Adding value (and beauty, I think) and serving, yes!
Appreciating the mundane is hard for me (aybe that’s why I talk about it so much), but I like to think I’m getting better at it.
Dottie
James Taylor said best it in 1977, the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time!
https://youtu.be/6Gxg5dcKsds?si=mV3ZTfzQ64ZMicL6
Jennifer Jo
So good.
Rob Hill
Meaning of life is easy. Breath in then out. Repeat until you can’t. But in the meantime continue to be amazing!
Jennifer Jo
Haha, AND spot on.
Patti Vanderbloemen
I have been reading your blog for years. I think I have only left one, maybe two comments. I am such a lurker. But I look forward to each and every post!
I am 63 years old. I retired at 50, because my widowed mother came to live with us (she is still doing high kicks at 89 years young)! I went through a very long period of “lost identity”when I left my successful (To me) job. I don’t have children, by choice. I suffer from debilitating back pain for some 20 years now, and would wallow in “why me” selfishness every time my pain would flare. I went through a very dark period for some 5-6 years when Mom moved in. I truly felt I had no purpose, and felt crippled…in all aspects of that word. I was sure that if, and when, I left this world, no one would notice. Sure, I have lots of hobbies, but what purpose in life did they serve?
But I did change my mind set…I had to. Everything I do now is because I Get To Do It, instead of I Have to do it. I Get to wake up from sleeping, even if I only achieved REM for 3 hours that night. I Get to take care of my mom, truly one of my greatest pleasures. I Get to exercise, and reap the benefits of flexibility in my back, even though it’s only short-lived. I Get to clean my kitchen, and pat myself on the back for having tidy counters again. I Get to grocery shop, and squeal just a little bit for scanning those extra coupons. Every “Get to” that I accomplish daily… no matter how small…is a win in my book. Little milestones that I achieve every day.
So many others “out there” cannot….they are wheel chair bound, stricken with cancer or some other awful disease. But I Get to. Those three worlds are my mantra….they saved, and continue to save, me. Every damn day.
Jennifer Jo
This is beautiful and fierce. Thank you.
SK
Amen.