The Baby Nickel is driving me bonkers. He is into everything. You doubt me? Think I’m exaggerating? I thought you might, so for an hour or two last evening, I took notes. Here we go:

*He squirted a blob of toothpaste out of our brand new tube. This happens a lot. Once we went through most of a tube in just two days (all the kids were culprits that time, I think). We even try to keep the toothpaste up high, but nothing deters The Baby Nickel.

*He chased Sweetsie with a cocked sippy cup.

*He unplugged the lamp, then quickly plugged it in when he heard me coming, and then he tried to stand on the head of the lamp cord, the part that sticks into the outlet.

*He made moves to open the woodstove door, but I got there in time.

*He made moves to pull a bucket of bleach water down off the counter in the bathroom, but, once again, I got there in time.

*He got up on the kitchen counter and crouched by the sink while he dumped concentrate dish detergent on his hands (I did not get there in time) and then washed them.

*He climbed up at the bathroom sink and stuck his head under the sink faucet to wet his hair so he could comb it. (Sorry about the blurry picture, but, like I said, he doesn’t hold still very well.)

*He hauled the bathroom footstool outside the house, down the concrete steps to the basement door, and locked the door, with him on the outside, in such a way that Yo-Yo Boy couldn’t unlock it and had to call me to come help. (This lock is just a metal latch, up high on the door, and we stick a metal hook through it to wedge it shut. The purpose of the lock is to keep The Baby Nickel out of the basement.) Then The Baby Nickel proceeded to unlock it himself and proudly show it to me.

Remember, this was over the course of only an hour or so. Do you now understand why I feel like I’m going crazy? All day long I’m running in circles, chasing the kid, cleaning up his messes. I have no place to put him where he will just be. I used to strap him into his little booster seat, but he can get out of it now. We have no crib for him (he would just climb out of it anyway). I called Mr. Handsome at work yesterday, at my wits’ end (I find I am there, at my wits’ end, a lot these days) to see if he could build a cage for The Baby Nickel. I wasn’t even really joking….

My Wise Girlfriend suggested sticking him in a car seat. I think we do have an extra one up in the attic or out in the barn. I might give it a shot.

No, no, no. Not the blog. Nothing to worry about there.

It’s garlic I’m talking about.

Last fall, right around my birthday, I planted garlic for the very first time. Every year, from now until I die, I will plant garlic right around my birthday. It’s very easy to do, so I know I’ll be able to do it when I’m taking tottery little steps and my teeth are falling out.

Anyway, my point is that a couple weeks ago I pulled the garlic up out of the dirt, cured the heads, and then this past weekend I cleaned them all up, tied them together with string, and had Mr. Handsome hang them in the doorway. What do you think? Rustic, huh?

I’m afraid they are going to start rotting there. They are in the light, though not direct sunlight, and my Girlfriend Kris told me that heads of garlic are to be stored in a dark, dry place, in mesh bags. (You know, the kind of mesh bag that you stick your lace bras in before putting them in the washing machine—makes garlic seem downright sexy, no?) My Girlfriend Amber saves the mesh bags that onions come in and stores her garlic in them—just hangs them up in the basement. But come on, Girlfriends, then you can’t see them! They are too dang sexy to stick off in the dark somewhere!

So I’m rebelling. At least till they start to stink.

Now, some of the heads were a little wormy when I pulled them out of the ground, so I tore them apart and saved the cloves that were still good. Then I talked to my Girlfriend Erika’s husband who, I just recently learned, used to be a sous-chef, and he told me that the best way to preserve garlic was to chop it all up, pack it into a glass jar, pour olive oil over top, and stick it in the fridge. So I did. I felt very chef-like, smashing the cloves and chop-chop-chopping. I think I’ll stick garlic in everything now.

Red Beet Salad With Caramelized Onions and Feta
Adapted from Epicurious

Clear your schedule, folks. It’s time to make salad. NOW!

First off, walk over to the fridge and on your grocery list that you have stuck to it’s side with a magnet (you do have a grocery list there, right? Good. Everyone does) write down feta cheese, 3 ounces, and pine nuts. While you’re there, open the fridge door and look inside to make sure you have Dijon mustard. If not, shame on you—buy some. If you happen to already have the feta and nuts and Dijon mustard, then you are Oh So Lucky and you can begin fixing the salad right now.

Run out to the garden and pick yourself two or three medium red beets and two enormous onions (or, if you’re like me and you already ripped yours out by their hair, then go to the barn where they are curing on newspapers and grab a couple dandies).

Gulp a glass of cold water, sloshing some down the front of your shirt. Continue.

Cook the beets—boiling, roasting, whatever, just get them cooked. Then peel and cube them. (If, by chance, you are using canned beets—do not allow yourself to feel like a loser; everything will be just fine—pick two 15 oz cans from the pantry shelf and drain and quarter the beets—you’ll need 4 cups of prepared beets.)

Wipe the sweat from your brow (don’t forget to first wash your hands, or you’ll have bloody beet smears all over your forehead).

Take a couple handfuls of pine nuts and stir them around in a hot skillet until they are toasty-brown. Chop them and set them aside (you’ll need 1/4 cup).

Pick up the dandy onions, peel them, cut them into thin slices and then quarter the stack of slices. Put some olive oil in the skillet that’s still hot from toasting the nuts, toss in the onions, sprinkle with salt, and stir them around on medium high heat until they start to blacken. Turn the heat to low and continue cooking till charred and crispy. About 30-45 minutes total. You have just made caramelized onions! You are a culinary whiz.

Do not be side-tracked by your whizzed-ry or daunted by the stack of dirty dishes in the sink. Keep going!

Now for the dressing. In a small bowl, mix together 2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar, 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard, 3/4 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon black pepper. While whisking continuously, add 5 tablespoons of olive oil in a steady stream.

Don’t stop now! You’re nearly done! It’s almost party-time!

Toss the chopped beets with the dressing. Sprinkle on the caramelized onions, the feta, and the pine nuts, and…YOU DID IT!

Eat the whole entire salad all by yourself, right out of the mixing bowl, grinning like a fool, making loud yum-yum noises, and sighing loudly.

Feed the rest of the family cereal.