The Day Before the Party…
21. Peel, cook, and mash the potatoes.
22. Burn up your mixer in the process.
23. Hit full-blown panic mode because there are more potatoes to be mashed but you can’t (see Number 22), mashed potatoes are splattered all over your freshly washed counters, the house is a mess, your hair is dirty, you forgot to make the glaze, you have to leave for that all-important belly dance workshop in less than an hour, and you can NOT find a water bottle anywhere.
24. Fixate on the water bottle.
25. Accept your husband’s offer to find you a water bottle while you take your panicky self upstairs to get ready.
26. Return downstairs, thank your husband for the bottle of water, and drive off without the water.
27. Attend the belly dance workshop which, it turns out, is geared for professional belly dancers.
28. Be awed.
29. Be even more mortified.
30. Position yourself at the back of the room and try to pretend you’re not an elephant in ancient yoga pants and a faded, too-small top with a threadbare sports bra underneath.
31. Tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. Belly dance is not your life.
32. Continue to suffer agonizing mortification pains anyway.
33. Out in the hall at break time, moan about your inability to do a reverse undulation, belly roll, shoulder roll—heck, all of the moves—but then seize on one truth and shout, “But I can make donuts!” and feel better, if only for 3 seconds.
34. When the workshop ends, slink to the car and profusely congratulate yourself on your decision to skip out on the swanky restaurant because your ego can only withstand so much embarrassment in a five-hour period and you reached your limit four hours and thirteen minutes ago.
35. Arrive home, tuck kids in bed, and visit briefly with an exhausted husband.
36. Mentally review all that needs to be done: make the glaze! grind the coffee! wash the apples! make the dough! decorate the porches! sweep the porches! vacuum the house! go to church! pick up the cider! buy ice!
37. Crawl upstairs to bed and pull the covers over your head.