• Pink Jelly Shoes, Turtle Plants, and Fairy Rings

    My mother busts her tail getting everything ready for us when we go home for a visit. The food, the sleeping accommodations, everything has been completely thought through. And because of all her work (and my father’s, too, of course) our visits home are extremely relaxing and refreshing. I spent a large portion of Saturday sitting in the deliciously soft easy chair in the upstairs hall plowing through my Obama book. I also went on a run with Mr. Handsome (a date!) and slept in.

    But I expect her to do those things. That’s her job, you know, her motherly duty. She does a fantastic job of doing her motherly duty. But I don’t want to talk about that right now. I want to tell you about another little side of my mother. This is the side of her that makes my eyes happy and gives me belly chuckles.

    I get a kick out of going home because I get to see my mother’s little homey touches. This woman specializes in little homey touches. I’m not talking about tacky knickknacks like fake flower, doilies, and potpourri pots. I’m talking about Artistic Flair. Artistic Flair is one thing my mother has down pat.


    Take for example, the pink impatiens and pink jelly shoes neatly arranged out on the back stoop. She probably found those jelly shoes at her thrift store (her second home). I suspect that she wears them in the garden. All that is fine. But look at how she arranged them. Neatly, by the pink flowers, just so. Where do you keep your garden shoes? Do they match the pot of flowers on the back porch? Are they sitting neatly side-by-side, the toes pointing the same direction? See what I mean?

    This little frog was perched on a rock by the back stoop.


    This turtle lined the walkway by the flower garden.


    She was very excited about her latest decor: four tiny, frolicking kittens.


    She had (artistically) filled a basket with straw and set it on the side porch and my kids spent hours playing with Smoky, Pinky, Little Sarah, and Blackie (Sweetsie named them), rocking them in the hammock on the porch, feeding them, carting them around the yard in the wagon… (In case you’re interested in feline genealogies, the mother, Sarah, is Somersault’s daughter. Our cat Blackie is also a daughter of Sarah’s.)


    Sunday dinner was hamburgers and hotdogs from the grill and s’mores, along with rotini salad, fruit soup (her latest thing), and corn. Notice the beautiful tablecloth that she made herself (she has piles of beautiful tablecloths). But what I really want you to notice about this picture is that white ceramic bowl perched on the bench right behind my mom. See it? It’s full of soapy, warm water for washing hands. I don’t know about you, but I would’ve just grabbed a plastic tub, or a couple damp rags. This is the difference between my mom and me.


    She has interesting, artful toys lying about, like this duck (the thing that’s smashed under Mr. Handsome’s snoozing head). She got it as a gift from her college friend—the two of them used to “talk duck”. That’s what they did all during their entire college career. I’m not sure how much else my mother learned during that time because all I’ve ever heard her talk about is Sharon this and Sharon that, but at least she had fun. And she still gets some good toys from Sharon.


    But the knock-out art was the one that she didn’t even plan. Have you ever seen a Fairy Ring?


    This Fairy Ring was right out back by the garden. It’s a circle of mushrooms. My parents didn’t do anything to create it (except not mow over them). We kept asking about it, at first almost not believing it was real. Dad explained something about rain and spores and stuff, so I know there’s a scientific reason behind it.


    But I think it’s just proof that the fairies and my mother are in cahoots.

    Ps. While my father does not share my mother’s artistic flair (not many people do), he does have his own style. He mowed a baseball diamond into the meadow on the other side of the garden where the boys/menfolk played Saturday afternoon ball. The thing is, the field is rolly and hilly, so the batter sits down at the bottom and everyone else sits way up higher (I didn’t get a photo, sorry). I went out to watch and it felt like somehow, magically, everything was going uphill. That’s art, too, no? Creating a baseball game on Escher Field.

  • Say Cheese!

    It’s the small things that stress me out. That’s not totally true, because the small things would be small if it was just me in this boat, but when you add four kids and a hubby, the small things rapidly morph into steep and craggy mountains.

    Take, for example, family pictures.

    This evening at six o’clock we were supposed to get our family picture taken for our church photo directory. How hard can that be? Go to church, sit down, smile, leave. We don’t pay money, and we even get a free picture.

    But it’s not that easy. Here’s a little insight into what Taking A Family Picture actually means for us:

    A. Pick out clothing for the entire family. Clothes have to match, not just on one person but with everyone else’s, and we shouldn’t wear stripes or bold patterns. White clothes make you look fat while black clothes slim you down. Adults have to wear long sleeves (so say the professionals from the studio). Black, long-sleeves in August. Right. Makes me start to sweat just thinking about it.

    B. Prepare an early supper. Start cooking in the mid-afternoon so we can eat at about 4:30.

    C. Mr. Handsome has to come home early to help out and get ready. We lose a little money (we shouldn’t think like that but we do). Stress levels rise. Mr. Handsome starts getting grumpy.

    D. Bathe the children, wash and comb hair, but do not get dressed in the pre-picked out, non-stripy-nor-boldly-colored clothes because we need to…

    E. Eat supper. There is no time to wash the dishes, so pile them in the sink. I hate leaving a messy kitchen. Now I’m officially grumpy.

    F. Herd everyone back to the bathroom to brush teeth and get dressed.

    G. Do not allow any children to escape outside. This makes the children grumpy, so they start bickering. This makes the parents mad.

    H. At 5:30, load everyone into the car. However, it’s now 5:36 and we are officially late. Parents are now grumpy, mad, and panicked. Don’t let the children scrape against the side of the car. Don’t let Miss Becca Boo pick up the cat because it has been killing mice and may have blood and guts on its paws and those things could soil her clothes.

    I. Drive to church, keeping one hand behind you at all times to pin The Baby Nickel’s leg to the seat in order to prevent him from kicking, and dirtying, Yo-Yo Boy’s clothing. Yell a lot.

    J. Arrive at church three minutes early (it should’ve been ten minutes early) and run to the bathroom to wipe off the sweat that is beading your brow. Straighten collars (times six). Comb hair, again (times six).

    K. Sit down. Look natural and relaxed. Hiss at the kids to stand up straight, put your hands down, don’t poke your sister/brother/me. Smile. Come on, people, SMILE.

    The end result? A family picture of us looking hot and bothered and stiff, with little blue lines running diagonally in the background.

    I thought through this scenario numerous times, in a valiant effort to make it more palatable, but I eventually gave up. First thing this morning, I emailed the church secretary: Hi S, We need to cancel our picture-taking slot tonight—at 6:00. I hope this doesn’t cause too many problems. We won’t be excommunicated or anything, will we? My brother will be taking our family picture this weekend and I’ll get that photo to you soon.

    Balding Brother, dear—could you please do a little photo shoot of us this weekend? We’ll probably end up with something like these family pictures that my mother took about four years ago (we don’t take family pictures that often).


    The picture that I will eventually turn in to the church secretary will be relegated to the back of the book after all the other pictures of the sainted people in our congregation who bucked up and suffered in silence. The back of the book is the place for wimps and mavericks.

    That’s okay, though. I’m looking forward to a calm evening, wearing shorts with running stripes, a sleeveless, spandex top, and no shoes or make-up. Being a wimp isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, in this case it actually makes me smile.

  • Spilt Marbles, Part II

    Remember when I talked about spilling my marbles? (If you can’t, well then, you must be having similar issues.)

    Apparently my sister-in-law has the same problem, as well as a great sense of humor.

    Maybe we need a support group. We could call it Mentally Mushy Moms. (Moms With Mushy Muscles would be a separate group.)

    Actually, the first chapter in our book is called A Brain Gone Soft.

    I’m sorry, but I think there’s something to this, folks. There’s simply too much evidence to believe otherwise. We’re goners.

    The good news is that you won’t remember this once you click off this page. There’s always a bright side, no matter how confusing the situation.

    Don’t forget that.

    Love, Pollyanna