holding

It’s an odd place we’re in, these last few weeks before we say goodbye to all we know and hold dear, jump on a plane, and go about the business of turning our worldview upside down.

I’m starting to juxtapose our anticipated Guatemalan reality against our current one, which makes me see things differently. For example, it’s weird that we’re working to use up our food because we’re going to a country where the people struggle to get enough to eat.

Here are some other things I’m doing:

*dreading the discomfort of saggy mattresses and non-running water and people telling me I can’t eat/wear/do that because I’ll get cold in my ears or will disturb the mountain spirits or something.

*knowing that I will have every inch of my space infringed upon and knowing that I don’t handle that well and knowing that I’ll get grumpy and not be nearly as gracious as I should be. In other words, I’m feeling rotten about all my shortcomings in advance. (It’d probably be more productive to focus on acquiring some tank tops for the girls and a toiletry travel case.)

*wanting to make Christmas cookies and do other fun seasonal things but feeling like my hands are tied because we don’t need anything more right now. We’re supposed to use up and get out.

*feeling like a wimp because we’re only leaving for nine months. Which is not even close to the amount of time (three years) we were gone the first time. Buck up, Buttercup, I tell myself. It’s just the equivalent of one pregnancy.

*having so much to do but lacking the emotional energy/think time/attention span/desire to do it. This is a sure-fire guarantee that our last two weeks will be pure chaos. If you run into me then, hold onto your hats or the tornado that is me will flip you over.

On the plus side, I’m feeling:

*euphoric about this adventure that we are taking our kids on. This is a dream come true.

*tremendously grateful for all the many, many people who are loving on us with kind words, hugs, and gifts. I told my mom that it’s like when I was pregnant, all the helpfulness and sunshiney smiles that are being directed our way, though in this case it’s like our family is pregnant. I was not expecting this. It gives me courage.

And now for you locals, this Saturday at Community Mennonite Church:

I’ll be contributing two kinds of pancakes: buckwheat apple and sourdough. Hope to see you there!

This same time, years previous: iced ginger shortbread, my kids are weird