Me: So. What do you want to do for our anniversary?
Him: (Blank stare. This date has not been in the forefront of his mind obviously.)
Me: I lined up childcare, so we can do something together if we want. If not, I can go somewhere to write and you can have alone time at home.
Him (gamely making an effort): We could go out to eat.
Me: Sure. Where would you like to go?
Him: I don’t know… How about Dave’s Taverna?
Me (not wanting to be a party pooper): Eh…
Him: Yeah, um… Red Lobster?
Me: American-style restaurants kind of gross me out.
Him: Well, do you have any ideas?
Me: The Blue Nile!
Him: I don’t really go for African food.
Me: It’s not African food. It’s Ethiopian.
Him (speaking slowly, as though to an idiot): Jennifer, where is Ethiopia located?
Me (blithely pressing on): What about The American Indian Café?
Him: I don’t really go for Indian food. See, when I go out to eat, I want to eat food that I know I’m going to enjoy—
Me: Well, when I go out to eat I want food that’s different from what I can make at home!
Him: To sink my teeth into a good cheeseburger—
Him (deflated): Isn’t there any place we can agree on?
Me: What about The Little Grill?
Him: Everything there is kind of under-seasoned, you know?
Me: No, but okay. Not The Little Grill.
Him: (moody silence)
Me (resigned): So I guess we won’t go out to eat. Do you have any other ideas of stuff we could do?
Him: (no answer)
Me: We could go to Barnes and Noble, get coffees, and read books!
Him: Oh, that sounds dreadful!
Me: Uh…we could play tennis?
Me: I know! We could go shopping for clothes!
Him (flatly): You don’t need more clothes.
Me: Yes, I do.
Him: No, you don’t.
Me: Yes, I do.
Him: NO, YOU DON’T.
Me: Fine. So we won’t go shopping. (pause) You could dig potatoes!
Me: We could go shopping for upcoming birthdays!
Him: (eye roll)
Me: We could clean the girls’ room! Redo it! Paint walls!
Him: (giant eye roll and moaning)
Me: So I guess we won’t go out on a date.
Him: I guess not.
Me (reaching for the computer): This conversation is completely ridiculous. I’ve gotta write it down.
Him (alarmed): No, you don’t! You don’t have to write down everything we say!
Me: Okay fine.